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Introducing… Simone and the Dating Moratorium.

March 17, 2011

Today, as promised, I am officially introducing you to my dear friend, Simone (I’ve blogged about here a lil… here, here, and … oh yeah here).


See, Simone has had kind of a rough couple years. The thing of it is, nothing major happened… but a lot of little shitty things did. First, she’s still been dealing the McNowYouSeeMeNowYouDon’t-Rocker-Pants, who is officially famous now, and with whom she has great sexual chemistry but his rock star status/[un-malicious] narcissism means they’ll never be anything more. Second, she dated a great dude that she probably fell in love with, but who decided he’d prefer to go with his own self-image as a commitment-shy rocker dude (I swear – Simone is never allowed to date boys in bands again) than admit he might be falling in love with her too – so she broke up with him rather than play no-this-isn’t-serious-pretend. But, it was amicable and they stayed friends. And slept together a few more times.


Finally, she dated. A LOT. None of which really worked out, and she dealt with enough of The Fade (including this dude).


At the end of the day, Simone kind of felt like shit. Her confidence seemed more than a little shot, and she felt more than a little desperate. Both of these things were new to her. But… as nothing major had happened (no major heartbreak… and hey, she was still friends with Rocker Pants I and II, so… ), she just continued… dating… telling herself everything was fine… changing nothing…

….but still feeling pretty shitty.

And then. Like a bolt of lightning – epiphany.

Just because you can’t point to some MAJOR EVENT doesn’t mean you don’t need to put things on hold, make a change, take some time.  As I said to her: yeah, heartbreak can be like wrapping your car around a tree, but sometimes the little, painful bullshit wears on you – like driving over shitty roads, day after day after day…

And so … for her first post in a series on her Dating Moratorium (the DM), I give you Simone:

I’ve been officially single for a little over 3 years now. In those three years I’ve dated casually, I’ve dated semi-seriously, I’ve had some great experiences, and I’ve been through some crap. The crap was never that bad, though. I developed some minor scrapes here and some bigger cuts there, but nothing to seriously wound a girl. Lately, however, it seems that all those bumps and bruises have made me a sore. Unexpectedly so. Hell, I’m almost 28! I can handle the ups-and-downs of romance, right? Yes…and no. The more I tried to date, the more it became apparent I was just putting supports under a foundation that needed some repairs.

So, I decided I needed to step back, clear the deck (literally and metaphysically), and see what life looked like when I wasn’t putting tons of pressure on myself OR my – potential and actual – dates; to see how it felt to work though things and act out on my own instead of working through and acting out *on* someone else.

They say to get over a serious relationship you need to give yourself a week for every month you were involved. Since my years weren’t as serious as all that (see above) I decided to give myself 3 months. I began this journey on February 22 and will end it on May 21st – my 28th birthday (for all you math whizzes that are having a numerical conniption right now over the technical number of days versus the metaphysical “timeframe” of three months my nerdiness sympathizes…but let’s just deal, k?).

I’ve made some good progress so far I think (week #3 just startin’!)…so, stay tuned; I’d love to hear your thoughts on my first discoveries!

Of course… there have to be some guidelines…

Rules of the Dating Moratorium (DM):


  1. NO DATING –This does not mean I cannot hang out with a male in a one-on-one scenario. It means that I may not hang out with a man who obviously thinks that we are hanging out romantically OR (maybe more importantly) who *I* want to hang out with romantically (NO excuses). If said obvious situation occurs unexpectedly I must say “Sorry, I’m not dating.” Or…give some sort of upfront and specific clarification.

  2. NO SEX – no sex, no casual sex, no random hook ups, no random make outs, NONE. Casual sex doesn’t necessarily lead to anything good…at least not of late. Non-casual sex has also not led to anything good…at least not of late.

  3. NO TEXTIE-Mc-TEXTERS! – I may not sex text. Trust me. This is a big one for me.

xo,

Simone.

As Simone mentioned, she’s in about week 3 of the DM at present, but she’s been keeping a journal. In our discussions thus far, I really think some of the insight she’s gleaned from these adventures in not dating are helpful in a general sense – which is why I’ve asked her to contribute to my blog. Not the least of which is, sometimes dating on repeat makes you feel like shit. Even if nothing BIG has happened. Maybe it’s time to take a self-prescribed time out. Not to just not date – but to actually do some personal work.

Check back and please chime in! I hope this stimulates some interesting discussion!

Happy St. Patrick’s Day… now go drink a Guinness for me!

XX

 

~ Nikkii~

20 Comments leave one →
  1. March 17, 2011 9:47 am

    Sounds pretty great to me. I know a few who have done a similar choice like this and they all sing its praises. Feeling better within themselves and more confident.

    Sometimes taking a step back is all that is needed. And sex will be much better after a while I’d say :D.

    • March 17, 2011 1:57 pm

      So far – it’s been a great decision for her. Really amazing how much comes up when you just stop and actively start listening for it!

      Hope you’re hanging in ok lady!

  2. March 17, 2011 2:20 pm

    Sounds like a good idea! I like that Simone’s keeping a journal. I think it’ll be interesting to go back and read.

    • March 18, 2011 6:39 am

      It will be I am sure… We’ve already had some really interesting talks. It’s especially cool because Simone is one of the most rational, self-aware people I know.

  3. March 17, 2011 5:12 pm

    Good luck, I’ve known quite a few ladies that have gone this route and from listening to them it’s not easy. My one good friend after a rather hideous divorce from a cheating douche decided to swear off of men for a whole year. For the most part she pretty much did too, but it did take a great deal of sympathy on my part to keep listening to her constant complaining about how horny and lonely she was.

    But that’s what friends do right?? I wish you luck on your endeavour Simone, may your friends be forgiving and your battery budget be large. You’re going to need em both.

    Erin Go Bra-less!! Happy St. Patts day everyone!

    • March 18, 2011 6:42 am

      Ha! Yeah… “swearing off men” is already, in my opinion, a bad statement to make in anger and then use as a starting point. Then only complaining from there on out? Also bad.

      The key is to use the time to re-focus on YOURSELF – not to stay focused on men (e.g. how much you actually miss them). I think going on something like a DM *without* making a conscious effort to do some real emotional work for yourself is just silly.

      Oh, Simone and I chat a lot as it is (we’re in different cities) so the battery doesn’t need to be much bigger than it already is… :)

      Hope you had a lovely St. Pats Bob! Amy says hello! ;)

      • March 18, 2011 4:48 pm

        Well I wasn’t talking about phone batteries, ahem.
        But glad that she has at least your support in her endeavour.
        Hi Amy! Now where is that name you promised us????

      • March 19, 2011 10:52 am

        AH HA HA! Oh right. Naturally you didn’t mean phone batteries. How did I mistake that one?

        I have a feeling the Name will just pop up one day… however… all brain cells currently in use for other activities… :(

  4. Miss Minty permalink
    March 17, 2011 11:54 pm

    Get it. It sounds like the perfect excuse to upgrade your vibrator, too.

    • March 18, 2011 6:43 am

      HA HA! Excellent point, Miss Minty. Excellent point.

  5. March 18, 2011 9:46 am

    Oh Simone, you are my hero! I personally couldn’t do it but I bow down to your willingness. The sexting would be a hard one for me too. HANG IN THERE!

    Here are some hobbies you may want to try when the urge strikes you to text, date, sext, hookup or makeout with anyone:

    – knitting (keeps your hands busy so you don’t get busy)
    – baking (although don’t eat everything yourself, invite some girlfriends over for some)
    – trying elaborate meals that take hours to me
    – WRITING
    – read Anna Karenina
    – Join a book club to talk about book
    – make said book club baked goodies
    – volunteer
    – throw yourself into work
    – take a language class (but only if the teacher is not a hot spanish man)
    – paint (even if you don’t know how. Do it anyway)
    – babysit
    – girls night in (after a few more weeks and a few drinks, you may throw this whole plan out for the first hot man that looks at you)

    Hope this helps!
    -CeeCee

    • March 18, 2011 9:48 am

      I meant hours to make :)

    • March 19, 2011 10:53 am

      Excellent advice, CeeCee! Thank you! And thanks for the support! :D

      Personally, I think she should bake goodies and send them to ME.

  6. March 18, 2011 5:07 pm

    I’ve done this too. A dating hiatus. Always helps, always makes me come back to this freshly and with more positivity. I love this little series!! Go Simone!

    • March 19, 2011 10:53 am

      Thank you! So far, so good!

  7. March 19, 2011 12:00 pm

    Denny is an exception to any dating moratorium. But you already knew that, love.

    • March 21, 2011 8:31 am

      I thought that went without saying, Denny.

  8. March 19, 2011 5:16 pm

    Three months is nothin’. Unless Simone is one of those serial daters who never really goes dateless. In that case, a three month moratorium is a great idea. Get to know yourself a little better. Good luck and enjoy three stress-free months! :)

    • March 21, 2011 8:34 am

      Ha! I agree. And I think Simone would say part of her problem was she was a lil headed down the “serial dater I’ll-go-out-with-anyone-once” road – and that was part of the reasons she needed to put on the brakes.

      I don’t actually think of Simone as one of those chicks. I do think there’s a difference between a, um, dry spell (when you WANT to be dating but aren’t) and a real, true-blue I-explicitly-don’t-want to be dating Moratorium. And, again, part of that is the idea that you’re going to be actively doing some soul-searching during that time… which you may or may not be doing otherwise… ya know?

Trackbacks

  1. The DM Revelation #1: Let’s ignore the dudes I date for a second… « Women Are From Mars

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