You say Fade? I say Cop-Out.
Here it is kids! Round two of The Insomnia Club! This week’s topic is a good one… and I’m looking forward to what everyone else thinks, too!
The Blow Off… the Ghost Man… the Disappearing Act…
The Fade.
We all know this one. Whether we’ve had it happen to us, or we’ve pulled it, I bet every person reading this knows what I’m talking about.
The other person bails. Without warning, without explanation. They stop calling, texting, e-mailing…
I’ve ranted discussed with irritation on this before (here and here). Basically? I get it, ok. If you pull a Fade, it’s because you’re not interested any longer, for whatever reason, and you don’t want to hurt our feelings/make us cry/hear us yell. And, as I’ve said before, I think it’s a cop-out. I think it’s cowardice. Basically, I think it’s crap.
The Lower Frequency defended the Fade awhile ago, and while I see his point, I still say it’s fucking bullshit.
See, disappearing on someone is no less hurtful than telling them “hey, I just want to be friends. I’m sorry.” There is no less rejection in it.
The only difference? It leaves the other person wondering wtf??? for awhile. They will probably excuse/explain/defend your disappearance to themselves/their friends for some time – thus prolonging the time before they actually begin moving on. Further – afraid of hurting their feelings by pointing out something about them that is turning you off? If you just disappear instead, eventually they will probably come up with every flaw in the book on their own to explain why you bailed. These flaws will be real or imagined – not just the ones you left over.
In sum? You do no services by fading………….. Save one.
The thing of it is, in dating, as in life, people are going to get hurt. Just happens. What separates us is how we deal with the harm we inevitably, eventually, absolutely by definition will cause. We can either stand up, own the consequences of our actions, or we can pretend we really were thinking of them when we bailed.
How do we own our shit? First, by being generally honest. By being able to say “I don’t want this anymore.” That honesty is important because it’s clear. It’s a definite end. It’s how you make sure your act of rejection remains just that – a rejection. Not weeks of wondering wtf??? Not imagined flaws or excuses why you’re not calling back. And that, IMHO, is really critical in helping another person start the moving on process – and that’s why it’s important.
Second, fucking own your decisions – and their consequences. Face up to that shit, and allow the other person to cry/yell/rant/bitch at you. At least for a little while. This does not give them a free pass to rip you a new asshole on repeat for as long as they see fit – that isn’t helpful to either of you. But, at the onset? When you deal out your rejection? Stand up and accept the hurt or anger you might cause.
Now. A good question at this point, of course, is what kind of “relationship” am I talking about. Usually, people pull the Fade in dating circumstances, after several weeks to several months (if you’re in a committed relationship – don’t even think about the Fade. That just makes you a complete ass.). Yeah, I can hear the argument that you don’t really owe the other person all that much, after only a few weeks or a month, or that maybe you never had a “what does this all mean?” conversation so…
You know what I have to say to that? Bullcrap. One thing I wish we all considered more seriously was taking better care of one another. No matter how long you’ve been dating. I think we all can be a little less selfish, and a little more thoughtful towards the ones we date – as people who deserve clear, honest communication from us. I mean… how do you want to be treated?
Can you imagine the difference it would make in all the things we complain about, if we did unto others, if we did take better care of one another, took each other more seriously, and treated each other just a little more decently? Surely, at the very least, that can include providing a clear ending to someone else so they can move on.
And maybe the other person is waaayyyyy too attached and throws a complete fit after two weeks of dating. Not your problem. Spend ten fucking minutes of your time telling him/her it’s over and letting them flip shit, then leave and never return their calls. You did your part. Hey, you dated him/her for two weeks…
Of course, there’s another point to be made here. You shouldn’t assume you rejection is going to result in the other person falling apart. I’ve already laid that out in this post here. However, if you aren’t straight with them and you pull a Fade, they’ll probably spend some time wondering wtf they did wrong – something they probably wouldn’t have done, had you been honest.
Finally, the flip side. If we’re going to ask for honesty over the Fade, we had better fucking be able to handle it. We had better be able to accept the rejection, the reasons for it, all of that – and take a frank look at what it means. Is this person ending things for reasons we care about? Should we make some changes? If so, then do it. If not? Then fucking get the fuck over it.
All of this actually ties well into my current thoughts on honesty and insecurities (topics I will discuss again… soon….). I do say to be generally honest, because – as Lower Frequency points out – there may be significant flaws in the other person causing you to run. I argue that if those flaws are things the other person can’t change? Or won’t change? Or won’t even see? Then I can understand keeping them to yourself, but you can still just re-iterate that you aren’t feeling it any more (which, hello, is a perfectly legit reason to end things – happens all the time). Really, that’s all the explanation the other person needs – and I, for one, prefer it to complete silence.
However. If you think this person could make some changes? Then fucking tell them. If you can’t do it to their face, send an e-mail. Sure, it may hurt the other person like hell, but how the fuck else are they going to grow if you don’t lay it out? As I mentioned last week we should all be better with honesty, so here’s to getting that shit started.
Bottom line? I just think we would do well to be more honest, own our shit, handle it when someone else is not really interested in us any more (the reason IS NOT important), and accept criticism as a chance to better ourselves. I don’t really see how the Fade helps us to any of that.
And that, dear readers, is my two cents. But I’m only one voice in this discussion ~ check out what everyone else in The Insomnia Club has to say! Join us!
The Urban Dater – Fade to Black
Met Another Frog – Sometimes Silence Is The Best Closure
The Life and Times of Totally Tyler – Eyes Open
Jess Downey, Not What I Ordered – To Fade or Not To Fade
Simone Grant – Don’t Say Hello
The Book Of Love Was Written By A Sadist – The Fade
Feisty Woman – Fadeaway and Forget Me Not
Miss Taylor Cast – Fading Into The Shadows
Single Much – Where the hell did you go??
Jacks @ F*cking in Brooklyn – 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover
Thank You For Your Sex – Da Fade, ladies and gentlemen…
Man-Shopping in Paris – Ms. Fading Failure
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- Da Fade, ladies and gentlemen. | Thank You For Your Sex™ - Lena.FM
- Disappearing Acts | The Fade | Dating & Relationships | Dating & Relationships in New York City | Simone Grant
- Ms. Fading Failure | Man-shopping in Paris
- Introducing… Simone and the Dating Moratorium. « Women Are From Mars
- Culmination of the Popo « Memoirs Of A Madonna
- The End of the Popo? « Memoirs Of A Madonna
- My advice on The End of The Affair… or whatever. « Women Are From Mars
- The Thrill of Opening « Semper Augustus
I hate when people get into what they “owe” another person by quantifying the amount of time and emotion invested. Social courtesy is not something earned. It’s just part of being a quality human being. And all the excuses for committing the Fade? 90% of the time its motivated by cowardice.
Rather than protecting someone’s feelings, it only serves to make women bitter and fearful. The worst repercussion of the Fade for me personally was that it made me paranoid with future (quality men) who didn’t deserve that distrust. Like when he said he’d call at 7 and it’s 7:15, you start to assume the worst rather than give the benefit of the doubt. By the time he calls at 7:30 to apologize for being held up at work, you’ve already prepared yourself for the Fade. And that’s not a fun way to date!
It’s part of the dating world now, whether we like it or not. The only thing we can do is maintain our OWN integrity and encourage our friends to do the same. Don’t be tempted to enter the downward spiral of treating others poorly because it’s happened to you.
Thanks for linking to us!
Instead of using how many dates you’ve been on or whether or not you’ve “had that conversation” – why not just decide to treat everyone with respect and honesty? Why not let it be how you choose to behave in the world? Why not ask yourself how you’d like to be treated?
The Fade does increase mistrust – that’s for sure. I think almost all of my single GFs have the “he’s bailing” button when something comes up. HOWEVER. As you point out, because the Fade exists does not excuse that behavior either. Take each person at their word, as themselves, and leave whatever baggage from the last one with the last one. That’s part of treating others with respect and honesty, too.
Thanks for the comment – and of course! You have a great blog!
Think people use the “fade” because it is the “easy” way out. It’s a cop-out and pretty pathetic.
If you date someone, are with someone, then you owe it to that person to be honest and clear about ending it. After that..then you can leave and it is the end of that. It might not be easy or pleasant but at least you did the right thing, hopefully.
The end of things are not going to be pleasant, more often than not. Removing yourself from the situation so you don’t have to deal with that part doesn’t mean it isn’t going to still happen.
Of course – many times they aren’t the shitshow we fear them to be. But bailing? Can’t see how it’s helpful.
I agree with this 100%. No one likes to be the “bad guy” and hurt someone’s feelings but get over it. That’s just what you have to do sometimes. We have all had to do it and we will all have to do it again at some point I am sure.
And doing the whole fade thing. Still makes you the bad guy.
Just a little tangent here. I don’t get why people always think it’s so much better to avoid being honest to spare a person’s feelings. I mean what about that really spares anyones feelings anyway? They still get hurt, it’s just that person doesn’t actually have to witness it.
Yep – and that isn’t a tangent. I think people say it “spares their feelings” because you don’t tell them to their face “I am no longer interested”. Umm…hello? That’s the message they’re gonna get regardless. What’s really behind it is the fear of being asked “why?”
Well. You can be honest about why, or you can avoid that. I really believe that we as a society should be better about honesty and constructive criticism, and view it as a chance to better ourselves. Unfortunately, in general we don’t – so I can see how “why?” can be pretty scary.
But. I think this should change. The only way it does is by individuals doing things differently.
I think I like best how you mention that those people who want that “honesty over the fade” better be able to “fucking handle it.” I mean, as a fader and fade-eeeeeee, the truth hurts, but be strong like bull and take a punt to the effing crotch!!!
Not that I would ever consider kicking a gal in the crotch… Actually, that’s not true, there’s a woman I would do that to and; I’d do the fade on her just for that touch of coup de grace.
Great post, Nikki. Can I touch you inappropriately? Thanks.
Oh yeah. We can’t go around asking for honesty and then punching crotches when we get it. YEAH it’ll sting. Like a punch to the crotch. The key is to not let that translate into anger at the honest person (who actually isn’t punching you the crotch but giving you what you asked for), get over the initial sting, and figure out what from that is important to YOU and YOUR LIFE.
Maybe nothing. Maybe good riddance. Or… maybe some nugget of truth that you can use to make change for the better.
I think we all have people we’d like to actually kick in the crotch. Let’s be honest. But we don’t do that for realz either. (…. do we?)
Thanks! And… what is an “inappropriate” touch, exactly?
Rejection and confrontation both bite the big one however, I completely agree with your stance. Suck it up and take that shit like a pro. Don’t be a baby, give the benefit of the doubt and if you can’t, don’t bother mixing with those who can.
I learned my lesson about being gutless with my gas guy.
Oh, damn girl – he punished you before you did a thing. *wow*
Her: I know you’re not looking for a girlfriend right now, so this is what it is and that’s okay.
Me: It’s not that I’m not looking for a girlfriend, I just don’t see you at that person.
Honest? Yes.
Well received? Guess.
oxo
JFB
Hey – the truth hurts sometimes.
The thing is this: The easy way to deal with it is to take it personally – and then get upset. Yes – I really think that’s the easy response, because it’s immediate – the truth has touched on real insecurities. However. The more difficult thing to do (that few people ever take the time to do) is taking a step back, listening to what the truth IS, and deciding if it’s important.
E.g.: Why don’t you want her as your GF? Are you just not compatible? Then that’s fine and it’s not all that important, she should take that and do what she will. If she thinks you are compatible, then you two aren’t on the same page and SHE should move on. If you don’t want to be with her for something *about* her (i.e. some “flaw”) then maybe she should look at that, decide if there is truth in that, and if she should think about changing it.
See, we turn other people’s thoughts about us into a reaction – when we should take them as potential advice, instead. Let go of the insecurities, make some change that’s warranted, or decide the other person’s opinion means diddly.
Here’s the thing. I think everyone deserves the respect of honest communication from me unless they are so incredibly creepy and scary that my radar is screaming at me to cease communication immediately for my own safety. Thus, when a guy pulls the disappearing act on me, it feels SO MUCH WORSE than just being told he’s not feeling it anymore. Even though it’s ridiculous, it subconsciously makes me feel like I’m so creepy that I must be avoided at all costs!
Yeah, see? I don’t buy the bullcrap that, by disappearing, you have the other person’s best interest at heart – because you won’t be telling them anything to their face. Well, that might be nice for you, but I bet they’ll think of many reasons on their own why you peaced out – you’re not protecting their feelings in the least. In fact, you’re inviting in a whole suite of reasons why it ended as it did – including ones that aren’t even true.
My roommate is doing the whole text, email, facebook dance with a dude I think is trying to fade. It pisses me off, because she’s doing the whole nitpicking thing about herself. Wondering what’s wrong with her and why he’s not calling. He needs to man up.
And the thing of it is? He probably won’t and she’ll probably keep running circles around herself and making it worse. In fact, sounds like he’s more of a “pinger” – e.g. will contact her randomly but enough to keep her hooked/he feels like he’s “letting her down easy”.
The thing is, no matter how much we hate it, the Fade isn’t going anywhere. People are still going to pull it. When it happens, you just have to move the fuck on and realize it’s just another reason this person isn’t worth your time. Tell your roommate that. Yeah, easy for me to say, but also true.
I actually haven’t minded being Faded. I’ve been lucky so far, in that I’ve only ever been Faded by guys that I couldn’t care less about. The Fade came as a relief — like, yay, I don’t have to figure out how to initiate a “conversation.”
However, you are so very convincing! It’s true, honesty is ALWAYS the better approach. You have inspired me, I will no longer be the Fader from now on!
Let the revolution begin…
That’s the only time the Fade works! When neither party is all that interested! Then it seems to work! However – you can just be safe and send the “hey let’s be friends” text ~ also a fine way to end things, and doesn’t invite convo…
I am glad I can be convincing – and inspiring! Who knew!
Thanks lady! Wish we had been blogger buddies before I went to France last year – we could have been Misses Drunk Bloggers in Clubs together! Ha!
Oh to thine own self be true – by fading out you are showing them who you are – a worthless gutless piece of shit not worth a damn let alone a tear. Its pure cowardess and completely unwarranted. I got the “fade out” once in a marriage – how did I find out it was over – served with divorce papers and the checking account empty – not so much as a goodbye note or any indication. Last words I heard from that shithead’s mouth was “see you after work”. Yes karma served her dish cold and went for the throat (checkbook) – better than smoothering him with a pillow and serving 25 to life. None the less – own up! The reason you decide to see this person are your reasons – this is not a negotiation or mediation. Its over – how they deal is how they deal. How you deal makes a difference in how YOU move on as well. Tell your truth – live a life of integrity and you will find few regrets.
“How you deal makes a difference in how YOU move on as well. Tell your truth – live a life of integrity and you will find few regrets.” <— THIS!
Sure, the other person is going to get it EVENTUALLY – if that means a couple days or a couple weeks. But it is about how we choose to live our lives and what we choose to put out in the world. That is on us and us alone.
WOW – A Fade on a marriage??? That's gotta be unprecedented! Good think you got your private-dancer-lovin' honey now! See – all ended for the best!
Whoo hoo Nikki – tomorrow night boylesque! Eyes and mind open. Funny how all things come around. Was talking about it with a gf of mine and looks like she wants to do a burlesque show (one night only) at a local club – sounds like the owner is up to it s0…. time to go shopping for something new and naughty! Gonna sing – gonna dance!
LOVE love love.
“Second, fucking own your decisions – and their consequences.” Word!
“I mean… how do you want to be treated?” To me this is a huge part of it. I feel like people totally disregard it these days. Plus, Karma is a bitch!
I agree with being honest with someone as long as it’s not too much of a low blow. I have actually experienced some awkward retaliation when I told a guy the truth but I was over it in like five minutes. So it’s really not that hard.
Also, I agree that if we want the truth we do have to suck it up and take it. I recently got dumped by a guy who did the right thing and told me what was up. He met someone else he was more compatible with. It hurt because I was NOT expecting it and I came very close to crying in front of him but said my peace and bailed so that he wouldn’t see me. However, I was over it a lot quicker than I would have been if he would have pulled the fade. hands down.
Hey thanks!
And yes – it’s about owning our shit and treating others how you would be treated. Some can say “oh, I wouldn’t mind the Fade” – so maybe it’s a step beyond that. It’s how you would want to be treated if you were in the other person’s shoes – how emotionally involved they are (c’mon, you know), regardless of how you feel.
Low blows aren’t any more honest than the Fade. They’re just as mean, in my opinion, and just as selfish.
As for the break-up – yeah, I totally hear you. Rejection is probably always going to hurt, no matter how involved you are, but a clear ending means you can start getting over it NOW – not in a couple weeks, after you’ve been excusing a Fade or wondering WTF you did.
by far my favorite post on the subject. bravo dear.
Wow. Hey thanks. Huge fan of both you and Single Much, so your props mean a lot!
Hi, I’m Denny.
Did I do that correctly?
So far so good… but I’ve seen your picture… that ‘stash means I don’t need to know your name…
You know what? I once had a guy do the fade out on me after two years of dating. I didn’t realise what was happening at the time because I was busy with uni, and he was busy with his honors degree, but when I finally pinned him down about it he ended up admitting that yeah he’d tried it, and he’d like to break up.
What the hell!! I mean, obviously at that point I was a bit like ‘uh, you stopped returning my emails or texts, and we didn’t see eachother for a month – even though we live in the same city, and go to the same uni. Damn Right we’re breaking up dickwad.’
Unfortunately I was still sad because two years is a long time and feelings were involved. Still I can look back now and call him a dickwad – and I’d call that progress!!
Yeah. I REALLY don”t understand the Fade in a long-term relationship. If that is not pure cowardice, I don’t know what is. There is NO excuse for that – other than not wanting to own your shit. Period.
Yikes – that sounds like it hurt. That’s pretty much what I mean when I say we’re separated by how we handle the pain we will cause – because we will cause it. We will want to end things – but it’s how we go about it that counts. Fading? Not acceptable.
“Damn right we’re breaking up dickwad” <— HA HA! Glad you can call him a dickwad yet set down most of the sadness – that is progress! Amazing what time can do…
This is fantastic…especially for the two points that I stand behind most firmly…
“You shouldn’t assume you rejection is going to result in the other person falling apart.”
Word, yo! I generally think people need to worry less about the confidence-blow they’re about to deal and more about their over-inflated confidence in thinking the person is going to be crushed. Settle down kids. I might be multi-dating too ya know
and
“we had better fucking be able to handle it.”
Again. Word. Because the truth is if I’m running around town telling people to Rip That Bandaid, Bitch! I better be able to deal with a little ripping of my own. Now this isn’t to say I can’t feel sad, deflated, disappointed or whatever. But I’ve gotta take the truth when it’s given to me and not act like a raging bitch in return. The truth hurts but then you watch a sitcom and you’ve already forgotten it happened